Understanding Submission, Control, Rules, and Boundaries in Relationship

Often, people misunderstand and misuse the words control and submission. Many assume that, for a woman to be submissive, she must allow herself to be controlled. However, the definition behind such perception is flawed. To some women, the word control sounds oppression, while to some men, submission represents order and respect. But beyond these cultural assumptions, both carry deeper meanings. True submission is rooted in trust and that is, "I submit to you, because I believe in your guidance." And genuine control on the other hand, is not domination but responsibility and that is "I lead you because I understand your boundaries, and value your emotional safety.

Submission: Submission is the act of surrendering power to another. Not out of weakness but out of trust.  A woman's willingness to submit is a form of humbleness, understanding that she can not compete with the one she chooses to follow. However, surrendering her power does not mean she should be taken for granted. Her submission is not a license for neglect. It is rather a gift that must be honoured, protected, and reciprocated with love, wisdom and responsibilities.

Control: Control simply means to direct or influence behaviour through power or authority. A man in control has the power to direct, manage the affairs of his wife, and if necessary, discipline her when she wrongs. But what influences behaviour? That's where rules come in. 

Rules: Rules are mutual agreements of instructions or principles set to guide the behaviour and actions of individuals in the home. They include, consultation, being honest, transparent, respect for each other etc. Rules influence behaviours. They represent we: "We will do this and avoid that." 

Boundaries: Most of the time, both the man and the woman also set boundaries. Boundaries are personal limits. They are not about controlling the other person but rather honoring oneself. Boundaries represent I: "I won't continue a conversation if I'm being disrespected

Consequences of Breaking Relationship Rules and Boundaries

Rules: Rules are mutual agreements. Breaking them is like breaking a promise and that leads to loss of trust. When rules are not honoured, it causes conflicts and confusion, leading to arguments, resentments, and emotional instability. Imagine a partner who constantly breaks the rules; this will create a power imbalance, making the other feel unhead and powerless. 

Boundaries: Boundaries protect a person's safety and dignity. They must be respected for the other to feel valued. When boundaries are violated through yelling, mocking, or ignoring someone's "No"-- it can cause anxiety and emotional shutdown.

Consistent violation of boundaries leads to disconnection. The person may emotionally or physically distance themselves to protect their peace.
When boundaries are ignored, there's a loss of voice and identity. The person begins to feel invisible, disregarded, and unworthy of care.

Control: Control means to direct and influence behaviour. But imagine this is overriden. A man feels he is the boss, that rules apply only to the woman, and her boundaries are ignored. The woman on the other hand, feels bossy--she has it all, and she believes she is the one in control. 

In this dynamic, neither partner can assert or influence the other positively.
The woman speaks, but the man doesn’t listen. The man leads, but the woman doesn’t follow.
He loses his power to influence, and she loses her willingness to submit.
Harmony is broken.

Men are the caretakers of women

A man is regarded as the leader of his household--tasked with guiding, protecting, and providing for his family. And a woman should obey his husband. But leadership is not dominance. It does not justify ignoring the thoughts, feelings, or well-being of the wife. True leadership is wisdom--knowing what is right to do and what is wrong to avoid, so others can follow with trust and love. Rules and boundaries must be obeyed, and control can be done easily with grace.

Surah An-Nisa (4:34) states that: "Men are the caretakers of women, as men have been provisioned by Allah over women and tasked with supporting them financially. And righteous women are devoutly obedient and, when alone, protective of what Allah has entrusted them with. And if you sense ill-conduct from your women, advise them ˹first˺, ˹if they persist,˺do not share their beds, but if they still persist, then discipline them ˹gently˺. But if they change their ways, do not be unjust to them. Surely Allah is Most High, All-Great." 

The beautiful verse continues with a passionate sequence of steps for addressing marital conflicts: the wife disobeying, which first must be addressed with advice, then withholding intimacy and finally gently discipline, yet some men misinterpret this as permission to dominate or harm their wives--turning what was meant to unite them into control and violence.

True Submission is Built on Trust

A wife’s submission is not an act of servitude; it is an act of trust and partnership. She submits not because she is lesser, but because she believes in her husband’s ability to guide, protect, and make sacrifices for the family. A woman is a comforter and not a competitor. A man is a companion and a leader and not a dictator or controller.

The Quran explicitly reminds us of the purpose of marriage. Emphasizing love, mercy, and tranquility as the foundation of a marriage, leaving no room for tyranny or oppression. 

“And of His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may find comfort in them. And He has placed between you compassion and mercy. Surely in this are signs for people who reflect.” (Surah Ar-Rum 30:21)

She’s Not a Passenger Without a Voice

Let us consider the metaphor of a driver steering a vehicle. The driver is responsible for the direction of the journey, ensuring safety, and arriving at the destination. However, the passengers also have a voice. A wife, like a passenger, has every right to express concerns about the journey-- whether she feels uncomfortable with the direction or wishes for an adjustment. A good driver listens, reassesses, and ensures the journey is a collaborative effort. 

Sura Al-Imran 3:159 captures this beautifully: 

"It is out of Allah’s mercy that you ˹O Prophet˺ have been lenient with them. Had you been cruel or hard-hearted, they would have certainly abandoned you. So pardon them, ask Allah’s forgiveness for them, and consult with them in ˹conducting˺ matters. Once you make a decision, put your trust in Allah. Surely Allah loves those who trust in Him."

This verse reminds us that consultation, mercy, and emotional safety are essential in leadership--even prophetic leadership.

A woman's voice matters. For her to be truly submissive, she must not be constantly silenced. Silencing breeds resistance to change or disobedience--not out of rebellion but because human beings naturally like to reciprocate. They return what they receive. And when they can't retaliate, they quietly walk away. 

This teaches that a man must lead by example. He must first learn to listen to his wife and in time she will learn to listen to him. But when a woman begins to lose comfort in her husband, she starts to feel disconnected. That disconnection leads to a lack of willingness to submit.

If Allah Listens, Why Shouldn’t a Husband?

Similarly, God is the ultimate controller of our lives. Yet, He listens to our prayers and responds when we ask for changes and He grants what we ask for if good for us.

If even the Creator--the One in absolute control grants us a voice and responds to our pleas, why should a husband disregard his wife’s thoughts, feelings, and opinions?

The essence of being in control as a man is not about taking decisions unilaterally and declaring them final. It is about earning trust by leading with wisdom, compassion, and self-sacrifice.

Know Her Worth, Know Your Role

To the men who misunderstand their role, I say this: leadership is not about silencing; it is about listening. Control is not about domination; it is about guidance. And being a husband is not about demanding submission; it is about earning it through love, respect, and sacrifice.

To my sisters, know your worth and rights in Islam. Submission does not mean being a slave to anyone. It does not mean tolerating abuse, whether physical, emotional, or mental. Submission means trusting in your husband’s ability to lead while retaining your voice, your dignity, and your individuality.

Let us educate ourselves and others about the true meaning of control and submissiveness in marriage. A successful partnership is built on mutual respect, understanding, and the willingness to grow together.

May we strive for marriages that reflect the balance and harmony Islam so beautifully advocates.